When she arrived and picked me up to go back to her office, she could tell I was distracted, and began pestering me about my foul mood. Asking if I had been taking my medication, and trying to crack jokes to get a smile out of me. The dreams still had a firm grip on my mood, but I couldn't really figure out what they had been about. Other than the fact that even my subconscious thinks I'm a loser. After a few minutes of talking in her office, she mentioned that I seemed hopeless. Like my entire outlook on life had gone downhill. She handed me a small supply of my pills, being careful to make sure I wasn't stockpiling a deadly amount, since after a year and a half of taking the damned things I was still considered high risk.
She asked if I was having financial troubles, which finally got a laugh out of me. Then she asked if I really wanted to be having the same conversation with her a year from now. I pointed out that unless something drastic changed, it would always be the same conversation, and very little would change. She quoted Albert Einstein to me, his quote about insanity being someone doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. I then pointed out to her that Einstein may have been a genius in the realm of physics, but when it came to life, a person rarely gets the same results from doing the same thing over and over again. Even something as simple as the weather can change outcomes of actions drastically. She shook her head, and muttered something about me being too smart for my own good.
I took that opportunity to point out that ignorance is bliss. I live in an apartment building that is used by the local mentally handicapped assistance company as a dumping ground for their more socially acceptable clients. So I see and interact with the mentally handicapped on a daily basis. I pointed out that very few of them have to deal with depression. They are happy, and too honest to be able to fake it very well. My case manager then pointed out that a good number of the world's suicides tend to be by more intelligent people. After a bit more conversation, I think she decided that I was going to be able to survive until my next appointment, and she dropped me off so I could ready to go to work.
At work, it was confirmed that I work with idiots. Complete idiots. The tills were a mess, and someone there can't seem to be able to tell the difference between diet soda, and regular. It's a job that a trained monkey can do, and these people still can't get it right. I'm tired of fixing other people's stupid mistakes, especially when I get paid little more than current minimum wage. I'm tired of the life I am living. It's exhaustion that no amount of rest can fix. I would blame some occurrence in my life for it, but the blame lies simply with myself. Not focused enough, and not driven enough. Somehow, I let my motivation for living leave me behind. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that my son deserves a father. Almost any father is better than none. Almost.
I have an appointment for the 5th of June to see the psychiatrist, and talk to him about fixing my lack of motivation. Hopefully there is some chemical substance out there that can make me want to live again. Bring some focus back, and try this crap again. Maybe some ADD medication will help. And an increase in the anti-depressants. He set my anti-psychotic meds to such a variable amount that I pretty much controll that on my own. Heh, damned near lost it when I ran out of those last time, though, so I am going to have to be more careful about not missing case management appointments. Meh, I've babbled enough.